Saturday, August 9, 2008

An invitation to our Canadian friends

There was a little gem of a story in the "latest news" section of the other day that caught my eye. In case you didn't click on the link, it's a very brief tale about three Canadians who assaulted two victims on Nassau Street in Princeton "with their hands and feet for no apparent reason. The assailants fled on foot, but were arrested a short time later and charged with simple assault, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest."

It seems the writer at the Star Ledger could use a refresher course on pronouns and antecedents, since it isn't clear whose hands and feet were used in the assault, but I think it's safe to say that the Canadians used their own; although if the Canadians used the very limbs of the Americans against the Americans in the assault, that would be pretty damn cool. Wouldn't it?

I have not been able to get this story out of my head since I first read about it earlier in the week. I realize I don't have all the details, and I haven't seen any follow-up to it, and I realize I might be speaking completely out of turn, but I wanted to offer some thoughts:

  1. I worked in Princeton at one time, just off of Nassau Street, in fact, and I can say first hand that so many of the locals are self-righteous, better-than-thou, demanding, pompous assfaces, and most of them deserve to be beaten at least once or twice in their lives, to remind them that they have the same blood pumping through their cardiovascular systems, just like everyone else.
  2. Americans tend to think of Canadians as our friendly neighbors to the north, and I'm here to correct that assumption, and I can do that, because I am married to one. Canadians ARE very polite, and tend to be very funny, but they have A LOT of pent-up rage. I have given this a lot of thought over the almost 8 years I've known Glen, and traveled back and forth to Canada, and hosted Canadians here, and the reasons for this rage will just have to be the topic for a different post on a different day — it's too involved and off-track for today's entry. But if you have any doubts about this anger, just remember that hockey came from Canada. And in Canada, hockey is everything. And the more violent, the better. A quick aside to illustrate this point: I had no idea until I was involved with Canadians, that they hold Russian hockey players in utter disdain: the Russians skate well, but don't like to get hurt. A Canadian player, on the other hand, doesn't mind losing his teeth, or having his internal organs punctured from time to time. All for the game, you know?
  3. Many Canadians, including mine, do not like the heat very much. I think it surprises them when they find out how hot it is here in Central Jersey, and after the initial surprise wears off, the heat makes them very, very angry. And so, I'd like to say now, that maybe the victims in Princeton were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, since I have witnessed some absolutely reprehensible behavior from at least one nameless Canadian in my life who seems to lose his mind on the really hot days.
  4. Despite the propensity toward violence (but just with hands and feet!), I think this Canadian energy can be harnessed for good purposes, and I just wanted to let all you Canadians know that our door is always open for you. Please come to Trenton. Stay as long as you'd like. We don't have self-righteous, better-than-thou, demanding pompous assfaces here, but we do have our share of misguided, irritating, thoughtless, self-destructive knuckleheads here in the hood, and they, too, could use a beating. Trenton would be a much better place with seething, sweaty, underwear-clad Canadians lurking in every shadow, righting all of the wrongs of the hood. I know, amid this rage, at the core of most Canadians, there is a good, just heart. So, Canadians, this is your opportunity to help administer justice! So please consider coming for some extended holidays here.


Mr. CleƤn said...

The last time a Canadian beat me with my own limbs, I got so pissed. Who the hell do these Canadians think they are?

Elise said...

Wait. Canadians aren't Americans?